19 – Why does Spiderman use BING?

In this blog I am going to write a live blog as I watch through The Amazing Spiderman (Marc Webb, 2012) starring Andrew Garfield. I have just got this film on Love Film, I was sort of disappointed this film came because I was expecting a different one in the post but this will have to do. So this blog will be a bit of me talking about the events of the film and probably a lot of me moaning, this means it will probably be quite incoherent. 

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So anyway I will now press play.

The film has begun with a kid who I presume is Peter Parker playing hide and seek in a house. The kid has discovered a broken door and immediately his father stops hiding and starts rubbing off some equations he has written in the house and gathering possessions. Now the kid has been left with his uncle and auntie while his parents go off to presumably get killed. 

Suddenly its like 12 years later or something and the kid has evolved into Andrew Garfield, the clichéd american high school nerd who owns a skateboard and takes weird creepy stalker pictures of Emma Stone. Oh and now he’s getting bullied.

So Uncle Ben has been on for 2 minutes and he’s already my favourite character in this film. Doesn’t he die though, that’s all I remember from the original film. Ooh and they’ve found the secret briefcase from the start of the film, Peter has a little cry and now he’s investigating further. Oh and there’s a picture of some guy with his dad which presumably means that guy is the villain. 

Peter Parker is now googling his dad and the evil guy in the picture. For a start how has he never thought to google his dad before and why on EARTH does he use BING?! No one uses BING.

peter-parker-searching-bing

OOh he’s gone to Oscorp. Mysterious scientific research centre, wonder what’s going to happen here?

So we see Kurt Connors who works with reptiles and wants to try and rapidly heal people probably using genetics. Basically we’ve met Killer Croc and any moment Batman’s going to jump through the wall and take everyone down.

Now we’re sneaking into another research centre. Oh there’s webs, wonder where they got them from, maybe some type of small insect? Oh look loads of spiders. I really cannot predict what is going to happen here? Omg a spider just freaking bit him?! I hope that has no continuing side effects.

Now Peter Parker has teleported to a train, has stripped a woman of her shirt and accidentally beaten up everyone on the train. Oh and he must have spilt fizzy drink on his hands because his hands are sticking to everything. 

Peter Parker is acting like he’s completely wasted, he’s walked back into his house stolen all their food, caught a fly in slow motion and lactated a dead spider out of his neck. Man this film is INTENSE.

He has literally turned into a crack addict over night, everything in the room is tripping him out, he can see the world in extreme close ups and has a fetish for spiders and then uses BING (yes, BING fgs) to search for images of them on the internet. I wonder if this was something to do with that strange spider biting incident?

Oh something passed quickly about someone osbourne, wasn’t that like the green goblin or Doctor Octopus or something. Oh and now they’re talking about cross species research. Particularly spiders, I wonder if there’s another species that a spider could cross with, what would that be called? Oh god Peter is about to hand over some of his fathers research to the probably bad guy. 

The guy who I’m guessing is the bad guy is a common formula I see a lot, most of the time in murder mysteries, there will be a likeable quite kind character who you meet around the start but you instantly think that they couldn’t be the killer (or bad guy) and therefore later on there is chance that the audience is most surprised that it is this character and don’t feel cheated because the character was introduced very early on.

While I was writing that Peter suddenly became better at basketball. Hmm, and now he’s trying to go on a date with Emma Stone who is basically Mary Jane. Wow that was like watching The Inbetweeners it was so cringy. Yet he still goes out from the cringiness by skateboarding with a huge smirk on his face like he’s Marty McFly or something. Followed by Shia Le Beouf Kingdom of the Crystal Skull monkey swinging to a jolly tune. 

Eurgh, boring science jargon that doesn’t really make sense. But we have basically proven the bad guys loss of arm is his main motivation to pursue the cross species stuff, basically he will eventually probably try to cross himself with a lizard but go too far or something will go wrong and he will become a full lizard.

Uncle Ben just got mad and dealt a convoluted with great power comes great responsibility line, to which Peter gets annoyed because he’s seen the original trilogy and he’s getting bored so he storms out to go cry instead. Here he meets a guy robbing a store who then runs out into the street bumps into Uncle Ben and accidentally shoots him with a gun.

DEATHS-AMAZING-SPIDER-MAN

Which then provokes Peter to cry even more. The problem with this film is that everyone knows the story already because of the other spider man films. 

Now Peter is even more orphaned than ever and has become a sort of Harry Potter esque creep at school mixed with a Bruce Wayne mentality where he wants to avenge Uncle Ben. 

This then turns the film into Batman Begins where Peter takes to the dark alleyways to creep around in the shadows and take down faceless criminals before battling his boss enemy the guy who killed uncle Ben. But oh now it’s actually not the same guy and then Peter out of confusion falls into a wrestling ring. And no joke there is a picture of wrestling mask that is the spiderman face. Then we get the rehashed montage of building the suit and running around on top of skyscrapers while shooting webs. 

Omg he was just sitting on a gargoyle. I think I have fallen asleep mid movie and woken up in the Christopher Nolan trilogy. Let’s just hope it’s not The Dark Knight Rises. Ah a wide shot of the hero looking at a city scape, original. 

Ah Spiderman literally just webbed a guy in the crotch.

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Ah admittedly now he’s in the suit and there’s a bit of action I’m actually enjoying the film. Which is also why I’m writing less.

I’m starting to think maybe Kurt Connors my would be bad guy may be more of two face type character where he is genuinely good at this stage but his upcoming mutation will turn him crazy. Which appears to be what is happening.

And now we’re back to the slightly dull, clichéd romance sub plot between Peter and Emma Stone. Oh how hilarious Peter didn’t bring a suit to the meal at her house which is presumably a social idiocy. 

Meanwhile doctor Kurt Connors two face killer croc has grown a new arm. Ahhaha he’s becoming a lizard.

Oh god Emma Stone’s dad is the police chief and we’ve now gone down to a sitcom situation at the dinner table. Even though Peter just crazily annoyed and disrespected Gwens father they kiss anyway because it’s a film and they have to and Peter never admits that he’s actually a strange mutated spider man. But all this cliché has to stop now because Killer Croc Two Face guy has gone mental on a bridge and Peter runs off like a dog chasing a stick to go and battle this guy. 

Although we don’t actually get a battle because instead Spiderman runs off to save a kid. Isn’t this just warming the cobble’s of your heart. Me neither but ah well because we’ve heard the word spiderman for the first time now which means we must be almost finished with this rebooted origin story. It’s actually 10:30 currently so I sort of hope we’re almost finished as I’m getting tired. 

Peter now leaves his widowed auntie without even saying goodbye to instead go talk to Emma Stone. Why does he have to be such an arrogant unpleasant person to his only form of family while being incredibly caring and attentive (however insanely egotistical he is being). This guys moral system is just aimed at acting cocky and cool and getting girls and to ignore his family to the point of near abusive.

Omg now we have a chamber of secrets plot point being used where Peter follows lizards into the sewers to continue the plot.

Peter now in the sewers has made a sort of big web trap to attempt to get photographic evidence of the lizard for the newspaper. Surprise surprise killer croc turns up having just fought batman and has a little bit of a boss fight. Peter thinks he’s got away but Killer Croc finds Peter’s camera and goes back to being angry and evil in his evil sewer base. (cough cough stolen evil villain base from The Dark Knight Rises, which means all the cops in the city are going to be sent down there and then get trapped) (extra cough cough, don’t steal plot points from the Dark Knight Rises because that film was stupid). Peter mean while has gone to Gwen’s house to have more cliché romance time. 

Also the whole plot hangs on an algorithm that Peter found in that secret briefcase at the start, which then makes the whole plot happen. From now on I’ll call this the macguffin formula, this macguffin formula is another clichéd plot point that has appeared in so many other films. In fact it’s actually been nominated for an Oscar for most clichéd plot point. Unfortunately it lost out to the doomsday bomb that inexplicitly can kill a whole planet.

Ah I just talked over the whole fight scene, meh you didn’t miss much. There was a hilarious Stan Lee cameo though where he is listening to music in a library and doesn’t realise there was a fight going on behind him.

We’re still not at the end because Peter now has gone back into Killer Croc’s evil sewer base. Now we find out that Kurt Connors (Killer croc copy) motivations are to turn the human race into huge lizards like himself which he thinks will be better. I believe he is going to use some macguffin formula gas to do this.

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Spiderman just said you mother Hubbard. This film is so PG it’s painful.

Even though there’s a massive lizard guy who is turning people into lizards the police continue to pursue the lanky spiderman vigilante. I mean WHY?!

Oh and he’s just revealed he is Peter Parker to the chief of police guy. Who then lets him go save his daughter. Understandable I suppose. The whole superhero revealing his identity has been done before in Iron Man though so not as impressive. It was still a cool moment though I guess.

Quickly we move onto a scene were Gwen is hiding from the lizard killer croc guy who then turns up out of nowhere in a big shock horror kind of moment.

Spiderman is kind of shot and unable to make it to the oscorp building but luckily that kid he saved’s father happens to know a guy who owns a load of cranes….

No Joke…

The cranes all swing round in unison and create a path for spiderman as the pirates of the Caribbean theme tune kicks in. I mean it’s kinda cool to see but a bit too cheesy.

The lizard is now re-enacting king kong by climbing up the building with his evil lizard macguffin formula gas. The police at this point appear to have just given up and let the teenager deal with the massive lizard creature. I mean where are the army throughout all of this? Isn’t this exactly why helicopter gunships were invented?

So Peter’s about to be killed but the police chief turns up just in the knick of time and saves him. Peter then replaces the evil lizard macguffin formula gas with antidotal macguffin gas and saves the day.

I think the chief of police guy is now going to die. Tbf i didn’t really see that coming. Good on them. 

Lizard guy however survives and gets away with just going to prison. 

Oh and Peter got the eggs. The eggs he forgot to buy earlier in the film. How sweet. Hm. 

Ah and now there’s a big cop funeral in the rain for the chief, where no one owns an umbrella that isn’t coloured black. Perhaps on the invite to the funeral it said Black Tie and Black umbrella.

Now Emma Stone is mega annoyed that Peter didn’t turn up to the funeral. WOW Peter totally just dumped her. She then grabs out her funeral themed umbrella and walks off. Also little point here, she is completely dry despite it being really bad rain, an umbrella can only go so far to keep you dry, it’s not a miracle worker. If these umbrella’s that keep you completely dry do exist then I need to make a not to go buy one. 

The bully now where’s a spiderman branded t-shirt, like some kind of 7 year old kid or something. Who produced that shirt anyway, is there now spiderman merchandise in this universe they live in?

Ah then in the end spiderman sort of goes back to Gwen and then runs around the city a little more to finish off. 

Presumably the sequel will follow up to the guy who created the oscorp and we’ll see more of him. Overall impression of the film was that it was quite good, kind of clichéd and all stuff that I’ve seen many times before.

Ah an after credit sequence.

In a jail as well. Hm, there is some other person in the prison cell but I can’t tell if that is another form of the lizard guy who exists only to the lizard or another character. If it is another character I assume it is probably the oscorp guy. 

Another small niggle here. Peter doesn’t need glasses but keeps wearing his father’s glasses. I understand the sentimentality  but it is incredibly annoying to wear glasses if you don’t actually need them. Small thing but it is strange just how much he wears them.

The villains motivations are a little bit skew whiff throughout the film. He basically becomes evil just for the sake of it. However saying that I have just watched the deleted scenes (yeah that’s the kind of person I am, deal with it) and the majority of the clips cut are of the villain and it helps to justify some of his actions.

Oh and at the start Peter is taking pictures of Gwen Stacey without her realising, that is just plain creepy. Oh and later on Uncle Ben realises he has been doing this and practically supports it. 

But yeah overall it was a story that had already been told and I’m not sure it needed to be told again. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy watching it again but it felt a bit like watching a repeat of a load of films you’ve already seen. The acting and visual effects were all brilliant though.

Oh and WHY ON EARTH does spiderman use BING?! Google is far superior in every way, and a nerd like Peter Parker would know that.

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One comment on “19 – Why does Spiderman use BING?

  1. […] now I did a blog about The Amazing Spiderman, a reboot directed by Mark Webb this can be seen here: https://08stockdaleb.wordpress.com/2013/11/02/19-why-does-spiderman-use-bing/ and now Mark Webb is back to direct the sequel which is imaginatively called The Amazing Spiderman […]

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